Saturday night around midnight I received a phone call informing me that my dear friend, Sydney has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. A surge of nausea welled up in the pit of my stomach and my body went limp.
Crying is my way of showing intense feeling. I cry when I'm happy, joyful, sorrowful, angry, sick, exhausted, passionate, sensing the Holy Spirit or empathizing with others. I can't stop it and I don't always know when it's going to happen.
A lot has happened this year. It has been a hard few months. Many changes and too much transition... personally and professionally. And recently being adult has just, quite frankly, sucked.
I've had the desire to revert to a stage in life where I had no worries, could let my parents figure everything out and didn't have to be "grown up."
The wave of panic that washed over me on my drive was a mixture of helplessness and anger that felt unexplainable. But the worst feeling was knowing I couldn't continue alone, even with my iPod exuding rhythms composed by Copeland. I needed a friend. A human being. Cursing and pleading with God only dredged up more emotional gunk. My thoughts were consuming me as rain and tears obstructed my view through the windshield...
My nonexistent devotional life cannot be held against God as some "threat" as if saying, See, I don't need to talk to you or come to you with my needs and hurt, because you only ignore me. I know it's not true. The panic comes in realizing I must face my thoughts, but not alone. I have to take them to Christ and that is much more difficult than phoning a friend.
Intellectually I might be able to tell you all the right answers about this weird Christian life. Emotionally, I can even relate with you in your hurt, fear and confusion. But when it comes right down to it, I know my negligence is a matter of disobedience and pride. But also a deep longing. A longing to be loved and appreciated. To be noticed and missed. To be held and comforted. What I long for cannot be found on earth. I long to be in heaven with my glorious Lord. My Redeemer.
But for now, I am to persevere amidst the trials of this life. Enduring the pain and brokenness of a fallen world. To cry, love, laugh and live a life that glorifies Him. I won't give up.
In my weakness, He is strong.
