grieving?

This is a word I need to become familiar with. Apparently I am smack in the middle of the process.

Tears have been coming, ever since my parents drove off last Sunday.

But here's what I'm learning: the feelings of loneliness, left-behindness, sadness, uncertainty and frustration are ok. Life doesn't stink but this summer it has sure been hard.

A friend was helping me process tonight and reminded me that it's not "all good or all bad" it's a mixture. One that I am struggling with. Why? Well, if I had an emotional/character resume, it would look something like this:

-loves deeply

-loyal

-builds solid friendships

-has too many goals (things I want to accomplish)

-empathetic

-circumstantial

-perfectionist

-realist (pessimist in denial)

-overachiever

-passionate

-doesn't deal well with change

The past 3 years I've moved. A lot. I also lived out of a suitcase for 11 months out of those 3 years. No joke.

Friends move away, I move away, friends come back, I move away...

I want to start a business. Heck, I want to start 3. But I feel stuck.

Now that I'm 26 I feel like I'm finally starting to wrap my mind around what it means to grow up.

Many of my friends are married. Many are not. Some of my married friends are having children. Some are not.

Here I stand while this people-mover of a life seems to pass me by at an annoying pace. 

But is it really passing me? Or have I stopped walking?

Reality is, no one can stop. We are each moving forward but at different paces.

So I didn't feel like swing dancing last night (I know, can you even believe it?). I wasn't in the mood. It didn't feel right. I would have probably gotten sad and ended up leaving early. So I didn't go. I went and watched a DVD with a small group of friends instead.

I got to sail on a lake with 2 friends on a beautiful sunny afternoon yesterday. I was thankful to be alive, experiencing that moment with those people.

And tonight, as I sat and felt hot tears breaking over my eyelids with 10 other people in the room around me (but not focused on me- whew, thank goodness...), it finally felt like it was ok to say I'm grieving.

I'm not a little girl anymore. My friends aren't all going to stay 24 and 30 years old. They aren't going to stop living life. They aren't going to stop having children. They might move away. They might get married. They might have a baby. But this is life. This is where God has me. This is where I've been told to be for this time. 

May He give me the strength to never stop living and keep moving forward, even when I feel like I'm being passed. I don't ever want to lose that edge. I don't ever want to lose the will to put one foot in front of the other, suck it up and say, "ok, God... now what?" Just like everyone else, I want my life to count for something. Who knows where He'll take me or what it will look like. But I'm so glad I get to serve my Savior while living in this wreck and beauty of a world.

food for thought...

Christ-followers will always be politically diverse. Following Him alongside people who talk, think, and act differently than you is not optional. If you refuse to do so, then you refuse to pursue Christ. The moment at which you wish to see someone crash and burn because they think differently than you - you have stopped following Jesus. The moment at which hate begins to burn in your heart towards another person, for whom Jesus died, because they disagree with you on policy - you have stopped loving Jesus. The moment you stop seeking justice, love, kindness and a humble walk with God - you have stopped following Jesus. So, we repent when necessary, and remember that policy and governance never change the human heart - the Gospel does. The breadth of Christ's good news must fuel our passion and guide our minds, hearts and feet in every sphere of life.

~Isaac Hunter, pastor at Summit Church (excerpt from Truth about Politics)

I went to Summit when I first moved here, but not anymore. The people who lived in this house prior to Sarah and I get mail from them so I was reading through the latest publication and found this article. Good stuff.

spinning

my mind is racing. i feel like even if i typed everything out it would not stop the whirring i feel in my head tonight. 

can't sleep.

trying to be productive at 1:30am is not wise.

hitch to install... u-haul trailer to reserve... packing to be done... friends that won't call back... jammed packed schedule for the next 4 days... many many thoughts and feelings surfacing. grrrr!

i'm supposed to be excited about moving back to florida? really? wish i felt that way.

orlando is not attractive to me today. nor was it yesterday. maybe it will be once i arrive. maybe i need to leave this mpd season in nc behind and remember that God has not left me. he is not playing some cruel game with my heart.

things i long for will not magically disappear. i must push them aside. they will live in the backseat of my mind until dust is dispelled and sun flickers hope upon them once more.

this world has nothing for me and this world has everything. all that i could want and nothing that i need. ~caedmon's call

vaca with the girls...

Sitting here in Dina's apartment in downtown San Francisco. She lives in the Castro and to say there's a rainbow on every corner is well, not an understatement. This morning we managed to acquire a nice set of white dinnerware from Crate & Barrel for $5 that was being sold by one of her neighbors. Gotta love sidewalk sales.

People in SF are nicer than most people I've encountered in the Northeast (e.g. Boston or New York). Yet, our experience coming in from the airport late Thursday night proved otherwise. Conclusion: people who work for the public transportation industry may not love their chosen occupation or they might just be used to people doing really silly things... like getting off at the wrong stop on the Muni...

Yesterday was awesome. Dina, Cathy & I rented a car and drove down to Big Sur. The views along the PCH are incredible and we had a fabulous afternoon.

Highlight of the day was hiking down to this little cove with Dina and finding our way out onto some rocks for a sunset view. Too bad the fog rolled in just as the sun was setting...

Today we hit up the Japanese Tea Garden in the Golden Gate Park and then went to see the Golden Gate Bridge.

Much love.

growing hurts

You know you're on staff when you say things like, "I'm just not walking in the Spirit today..." or "maybe I should practice my spiritual breathing." Geeeeez... 

It was the first acknowledgement of my attitude yesterday. I said it to my friend last night, as we were walking into TJ's.

My analysis is that I'm sad. Why? Besides the obvious fact that I'm female, slightly hormonal and always crazy? Good question; one I've been mulling over since late last night.

I spent the weekend in Raleigh with my friend Jessica. We went shag dancing last night with some friends. Everything was fine one minute and then as if some invisible blanket came over me, I was completely distracted, annoyed and on the verge of  tears.

One thing I learned last year after taking the Birkman, is that I become greatly stressed and feel trapped in my surroundings when I don't feel certain needs being met. Eye-opening really. It makes so much sense too... especially looking back on recent discussions or seeing the way I deal with tensions, confrontations, social situations or the constant daily battle raging in my own mind.

All this ramble really means, is this: I am learning to identify what upsets me and wrestling to deal with it. I am owning up to my emotions and struggling to process them in a logical, biblical and Christlike way. Woah. Good luck with that...

The past year my private journal entries have been intense. Mainly because I've learned that God lets me come to Him, no matter what condition my heart is in. Whether I'm sad, angry, disobedient, lonely, annoyed or grief-stricken. He listens. He cares. He knows how often I have to come crawling back to Him in the midst of my defiance or brokenness. He is not surprised by me! 

I only wish I could believe [on a more consistent basis] His delight in me. Psalm 45:11 could be taped to my forehead and I'd still have a difficult time believing it. The King is enthralled by my beauty?! Really? Honor Him,  for He is your Lord.

Oh, right.

A few months ago I said, "I feel like I might be on cruise control with God." I don't feel that way anymore. I'm oddly aware of where He has me, where my heart is and my utter dependence on Him. Settled or resolved to stay in His care. Not always comfortable, but trusting.

He's asking me to dance and instead of waiting for something better, I'm saying, "yes, yes I will trust You, I will take Your hand, I will let You lead me." Even if I don't know the dance. Even if I'm unsure of the steps. Even if my feet hurt or I become tired.

I will take His hand.

I will dance.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who SATISFIES YOUR DESIRES WITH GOOD THINGS so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. ~Psalm 103:1-5

amazing narrative

Anyone watching the RNC tonight just witnessed history. Agreeing with CNN, "Palin is a force to be reckoned with."

Dang. That was quite the speech.

fuel for my soul

When I think of what makes me feel alive and free, two activities come to mind: dancing and rock climbing. Today, after a long awaited 2 month hiatus (nobody to climb with!!) I got my out-of-shape bod back on a wall. Climbing outdoor is always a treat- today was no exception.

There's nothing like hanging off the side of a 80+ foot cliff, eye level with hawks... exhilarating!

Here's a blip I wrote a few months back... haven't shared it with anyone but an editor from work... 

Sweat glistened down my arms and face as I puffed an exasperated sigh. Tendons in my arms were twitching in rhythm with my racing heartbeat. Stretching to the very tips of my toes, arms overhead, jaw locked, eyes focused, I forced my body upward with a menacing grunt of determination. As my fingers slipped off the rock, the tension on my climbing harness tightened as I jerked toward the ground 20 feet below, the rope caught me and I remained beside the place I had slipped from. 

The smell of dirt and cake-chalked fingernails wafted from my hands and was warm in my nostrils as I balanced myself on the side of the wall. I looked down to my friend holding the rope and he shouted, "you've got this, come on, you're almost there!" Quitting was not an option.

I inhaled sharply and pushed hard with my legs as my toes balanced on an inch of rock-ledge. My arms were shaking and my hands began to cramp. I have to finish this climb. Making it to the top would be an accomplishment.

My friend yelled, "you're so close, just keep moving!" The strength was seeping from my limbs like a twice-used tea bag. My grip weakened and for a moment the thought of giving up seemed very pleasant.

My thoughts raced, it would be so much easier to rappel down and rest, then try again later but another part of me was fighting, don't you dare let go of that wall again, you can do this! The battle to persevere began. I fought it by throwing my arm high above the next ledge, grabbed the gritty yet firm surface with a tenaciously fierce grip as my body lifted, my feet found a solid grip and I stood tall, realizing my accomplishment.

In that moment, I made a decision: I chose to fight. To overcome.

Can't wait to get back out and tackle some more rock!