It was the first acknowledgement of my attitude yesterday. I said it to my friend last night, as we were walking into TJ's.
My analysis is that I'm sad. Why? Besides the obvious fact that I'm female, slightly hormonal and always crazy? Good question; one I've been mulling over since late last night.
I spent the weekend in Raleigh with my friend Jessica. We went shag dancing last night with some friends. Everything was fine one minute and then as if some invisible blanket came over me, I was completely distracted, annoyed and on the verge of tears.
One thing I learned last year after taking the Birkman, is that I become greatly stressed and feel trapped in my surroundings when I don't feel certain needs being met. Eye-opening really. It makes so much sense too... especially looking back on recent discussions or seeing the way I deal with tensions, confrontations, social situations or the constant daily battle raging in my own mind.
All this ramble really means, is this: I am learning to identify what upsets me and wrestling to deal with it. I am owning up to my emotions and struggling to process them in a logical, biblical and Christlike way. Woah. Good luck with that...
The past year my private journal entries have been intense. Mainly because I've learned that God lets me come to Him, no matter what condition my heart is in. Whether I'm sad, angry, disobedient, lonely, annoyed or grief-stricken. He listens. He cares. He knows how often I have to come crawling back to Him in the midst of my defiance or brokenness. He is not surprised by me!
I only wish I could believe [on a more consistent basis] His delight in me. Psalm 45:11 could be taped to my forehead and I'd still have a difficult time believing it. The King is enthralled by my beauty?! Really? Honor Him, for He is your Lord.
Oh, right.
A few months ago I said, "I feel like I might be on cruise control with God." I don't feel that way anymore. I'm oddly aware of where He has me, where my heart is and my utter dependence on Him. Settled or resolved to stay in His care. Not always comfortable, but trusting.
He's asking me to dance and instead of waiting for something better, I'm saying, "yes, yes I will trust You, I will take Your hand, I will let You lead me." Even if I don't know the dance. Even if I'm unsure of the steps. Even if my feet hurt or I become tired.
I will take His hand.
I will dance.
Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who SATISFIES YOUR DESIRES WITH GOOD THINGS so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. ~Psalm 103:1-5
3 comments:
Wow, Amber. This was just what I needed to be reminded of today. Thank you for sharing! Such an encouragement....
Glad you'll be back in Orlando soon!
I didn't know you were in Raleigh until you showed up in pics on facebook at the chocolate party. I hope you are doing well in O-town!
That's beautiful and real.
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