Do You Really Love Me?

I guess this is the question that prompts every longing in our souls: "Do you really love me?" Little girls grow up wondering, Do you really love me? Daddy, do you see me dancing in my party dress and smile with delight over me? When dads are distant or abusive or addicted or just not affectionate, little girls become insecure teenagers and decide to ask their questions of another man, except this time the question becomes, "Will you love me if...?" Will you love me if I sleep with you? Will you love me if I do drugs with you? Will you love me if I lie for you? Will you love me if I prop you up?

Those teenage girls discover a few answers that seem to add something to the empty cup of their souls, like a few drops of water into a dusty tin can. The cup never gets filled, but there is a momentary satisfaction that mimics thirst being quenched. And then teenage girls become grown-up women who have learned intricate methods of coping with a heart that keeps asking, Do you really love me? Some women can spend a lifetime in a marriage wondering, Do you still love me? I know mothers who ache over their children, hoping they really love them. I've watched too many friendships between women end because one felt the other didn't really love her.

I cannot avoid the deep longing in my own soul. Do you reall love me? means, Will you accept my in the proces? Will you embrace what is different about me and applaud my efforts to become? Can I just be human-strong and vibrant some days, weak and frail on others? Can I have a relationship with you without pretending? Can I be honest and expect honesty? Is it okay if my hair looks gross, my morning breath is not minty-fresh, and my jeans are stretched around a few extra pounds? Will you love me even if I disappoint you? Will you love me through dark places? Will you love me even when I doubt your love?

Sometimes we taste this love in our lifetime. Our parents can love us with a pure love. A husband can give a deeply profound love. A friend can spend a lifetime embracing us with unshakable love. But here is the catch about the design of our souls: the love we will know here on earth will never be enough. We have been made by God for God. To operate with only the taste of love we get on earth will leave us incomplete. That's by design. Our hearts have been made to cry out for a love that can come only from our Creator. The cup of our soul will never be filled apart from the love of God. Proverbs 19:22 says, What a man desires is unfailing love. Emotionally, every human being is designed to crave lavish, unfailing love.

*from Angela Thomas' book, Do You Think I'm Beautiful?

maps and groceries

Great weekend. Spoke with two of my favorite ladies on the phone and cleaned most of the windows (inside/out) in the house. Ahh, the feeling of productivity. 

Favorite phone moment: I'm telling Kelly about the wedding last weekend and how I danced with this guy who's getting a degree in map making. And she's like, "oh, isn't that called cartography or something?" Seriously??! She does this to me all the time... lol and then follows it up by laughing with me and saying, "gosh, I just don't know how I know these things!!" Neither do I, Kel, neither do I...

Oh yeah, and then there's the creepy guy in the refrigerator isle at Publix. After leaning far too close to me, I step back a few feet and he says, "Oh, hi, excuse me, excuse me... I just couldn't help but notice you. You have such beautiful eyes. I was wondering if you have a name?" (Umm... no. My parents got creative and decided to call me human.) I struggled for a few moments, staring at my eggs and finally blurted out, "Um, yeah, it's Amber."

Then he says, "Well, I was wondering if you have a phone number?"  I literally stopped dead, eggs in hand, blinked two or three times (for dramatic effect), looked him dead in the face and asked, "Really? Are you seriously trying to pick me up in the grocery store?! I'm sorry, I'm so not in the mood," as I turned and continued explaining to my roommate how I'd forgotten green beans and ibuprofen.

Unbelievably unsettling.

I expected to look around the corner and see a couple of his friends snickering and giving each other high fives, shoulder punches and dishing out their bet monies... but then realized the guy was way too old for practical jokes and the only other thing I could conjure is that next time I might just say, "Oh, ha ha! Ok, I get it... where's the video camera?!"

Thanks, Keri. :)

geeeeeeezzz...

long week.

friday night and i'm home with the roomie by 8:35pm. we ate some tijuana flats with cool friends and called it a night. best idea all week... besides those chocolate banana goodness shakes that a named, "magic bullet" delivers via the sarah. dang skippy.

decided to make my famous and oh-so-delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. someday, maybe my husband will appreciate my baking skills. for now, i take great delight observing them in wobbly piles, stacked 4 rows 6 high in a tupperware container. mmmm.... mmmm... goodness.

finished up part 1 of writers' training today. trudged through stories with my editor - - admitted to being lazy and not putting 100% effort behind writing one of them because it was meant to be an "exercise." my brothers would call me a nube.

missing blue ridge foliage and lower temps. what i wouldn't give to be in asheville this weekend...

went to the chiropractor today. talk about a weird experience. my prescription: stop cracking my neck. right. i'll get right on that. stopping a habit that i've had for more than 18 years is no easy task. but man, am i conscious about it now...

the Lord is teaching me many things lately. i've been silent for over a week because i don't know how to verbalize it all just yet, but soon enough.

happy birthday, mom! 51 years and still sharp as a tack, active as a mongoose and beautiful as ever. hope your day was relaxing and enjoyable.

borrowed...

"men, tell your girl friends they are beautiful. trust me, they won't think you're trying to ask them out. they will appreciate your encouragement.
women, tell your friends specifically how you see their beauty.
brothers, tell your sisters they are beautiful and that you are their biggest fan.
daughters, remind your mothers of the beauty you see in their souls...
fathers, please please tell your daughters they are beautiful...
mothers, believe in your own beauty so that your daughters can mirror your confidence.

we as women are all uniquely beautiful, broken individuals. i love meeting wounded women, because honestly, i see so much beauty in brokenness. your brokenness is a place for Christ to show you grace. His grace is so beautiful that it softens your heart to see yourself for who you really are. When you see that you are truly a child of the King, you can truly believe in your beauty."

-- took this from a friend, Lauren's blog. she has such a way with words and it felt right to pass it on.

people...

we always go where we feel loved.

we cling to those whose spirits are kindred.

we adore relationship.

nostalgia. 

cozy feeling.

laughs.

tears.

home.

God didn't make us to be alone. He put us together to wrestle through this life and learn to lean on each other. Through good and bad. Through heartache. In love. 

Our desire and yearning for relationship and significance is merely a reflection on our Creator.

He cares so deeply for us.

in a day at lake hart...

somehow i've managed to avoid attack by a flock of sand hill cranes (aka: pterodactyls), speak with a mockingbird, narrowly escape a black racer and interact with an overly friendly bush mouse- all in a 4 hour time frame. ahh... eco-paradise.

walking between buildings here, one is bound to see an endless array of colors, admire the enormous potted plants that block the sidewalk, smell the freshly mowed "low impact" lawn, feel spray from the out-of-control fountain that uses non-potable reclaimed water, pass stevie d. or vonette and might even be sideswiped by a golf cart driven by an ambitious security guard or maintenance personnel.

did i mention fishing in any of the property lakes? how about the alligators?

man i love this place.

ze veek...

Tuesday was significant. I was assigned my Area of Affairs (Western Europe & Francophone Africa) and ministries (Campus, Nations, Epic, Destino, WSN, Catalytic, Lifelines and Bridges) to cover for my Beats. Yeah, I didn't know what a Beat was either until Tuesday. 

Basically, I'll be responsible for covering any new information coming out of these countries/ministries and gathering stories to submit as possible material for the magazine or web sites. I'm also expected to know what's going on in any of the 48+ countries in my AOA in regards to politics, leadership, reorganization, outreaches, new ministries, changed lives, etc., Woot.

I'm excited because I love Campus Ministry and love doing research. I also love that God is allowing me to be here and use my skills in writing to further His Kingdom! How stinking cool, right? :)

I drove home on  Tuesday in the best mood I've been in since arriving back in Orlando. Talking to good friends this week on the phone has also been a highlight.

Today is not significant except for the fact that I'm alive, I have a chocolate bar on my desk and it's the last working day of my week. (Note: Do not have blood work done on Friday morning and do not plan meetings before 10am... ever. What was I thinking?)

Ok, so I'm a little overwhelmed about not having my stories finished yet. They aren't due until Wednesday- but they don't exist yet! Yeah. There's that.

And, can I also say that for some stupid reason today I just wish I had a boyfriend. I know, right? Smack out of the freaking blue. It's been almost a year of singleness and I've had fun but wouldn't mind having someone tell me I'm pretty or they miss me or think about me or want to take me on a date or hold my hand or surprise me with a fun note at my desk or on my car... blah blah blah... perhaps I'm lonely.

Oh'well. Maybe the beach will help. :)

Back to the grind. Happy Friday!