still grieving...

i read a friend's blog post tonight about her friend who's been battling cancer for 10 years. 


responding to her post, i wrote, crying as i read this because that's still all i can do when i think about sydney. i can't even write about her yet. i have an entire blank section in my journal from the day/week she died. i keep telling myself i'll go back and fill it in... but i can't. i won't. and, so the tears come and i try to burn her laugh, her smile, her accent, her walk, her hugs, her hilarious voice mails... burn them into my memory.


and it's true. i wonder when the day will come that i'll be able to let loose... i suppose i fear letting go of the memory of her. i'm afraid if i write about her, it becomes permanent. more real. makes me want to write less. 


i'm asking the Lord to ready my heart for the day i can sit down and write my sydney entry. just as she would slip on a beautiful, colorful necklace, i realize i need to embrace this new season of life without her. she would want me to. she would give me an awesome, funky, beautiful necklace to wear with her and be obsessed with... then she'd tell me to, "get going, amber rosalina."


i miss her more than words can say.

From December 30, 2008 (updated)

Driving from Raleigh to Greensboro on Sunday night, in the rain, I felt a wave of panic.

Saturday night around midnight I received a phone call informing me that my dear friend, Sydney has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. A surge of nausea welled up in the pit of my stomach and my body went limp. 

Crying is my way of showing intense feeling. I cry when I'm happy, joyful, sorrowful, angry, sick, exhausted, passionate, sensing the Holy Spirit or empathizing with others. I can't stop it and I don't always know when it's going to happen.

A lot has happened this year. It has been a hard few months. Many changes and too much transition... personally and professionally. And recently being adult has just, quite frankly, sucked.

I've had the desire to revert to a stage in life where I had no worries, could let my parents figure everything out and didn't have to be "grown up."

The wave of panic that washed over me on my drive was a mixture of helplessness and anger that felt unexplainable. But the worst feeling was knowing I couldn't continue alone, even with my iPod exuding rhythms composed by Copeland. I needed a friend. A human being. Cursing and pleading with God only dredged up more emotional gunk. My thoughts were consuming me as rain and tears obstructed my view through the windshield...

My nonexistent devotional life cannot be held against God as some "threat" as if saying, See, I don't need to talk to you or come to you with my needs and hurt, because you only ignore me. I know it's not true. The panic comes in realizing I must face my thoughts, but not alone. I have to take them to Christ and that is much more difficult than phoning a friend.

Intellectually I might be able to tell you all the right answers about this weird Christian life. Emotionally, I can even relate with you in your hurt, fear and confusion. But when it comes right down to it, I know my negligence is a matter of disobedience and pride. But also a deep longing. A longing to be loved and appreciated. To be noticed and missed. To be held and comforted. What I long for cannot be found on earth. I long to be in heaven with my  glorious Lord. My Redeemer.

But for now, I am to persevere amidst the trials of this life. Enduring the pain and brokenness of a fallen world. To cry, love, laugh and live a life that glorifies Him. I won't give up.

In my weakness, He is strong.

-----
Sydney passed away August 29, 2011. 


If I thought I cried a lot the day she was diagnosed, it's nothing compared to the despair and sorrow I felt the Monday evening I read Todd's email, "After a difficult weekend of fighting, massive brain swelling and several seizures, Sydney's brain stopped functioning, and eventually her lungs and her heart failed. Although we are grieving deeply, Sydney is in heaven now, more radiant than ever."


Nothing prepared me for that news. 


Nothing. 


My heart felt like it had fallen out of my body as I crumpled onto the bed in front of me. 


I wept for hours. 


Yesterday, I bought an iPhone 4. It's been a long time coming. I finally caved. However, I was not prepared for what happened when the sales lady, Lisa, took my old phone to transfer numbers. She failed to mention that I would be losing all of my voicemails (29 after periodic deleting) I had saved for the past seven years. 


I save the funny ones. The ones that make me laugh so hard I almost cry. And sometimes at night when I can't fall asleep, I listen to them... sweet memories.


Immediately I thought of the many messages from Syd that I've listened to over and over again these past few months. My favorites because she calls me nick-names like "Ambie-lambie," and sings funny songs, makes jokes about the women's retreat at our church in Charlotte ("Ugh, I don't wanna go. But, I asked the Lord about it and He told me I had to go... women's retreat virgin, Ambie, first time, first time..." in her thick southern accent) and another of how she explains she is running late as usual or is obsessed with something or someone and "...ok, I'm driving to bum frickin' west Charlotte now... was supposed to be there 20 minutes ago. Luuuuuv ya!" 


At first I took a deep breath and explained to Lisa, "Every other time I've updated a phone, the voicemails stay." Apparently it doesn't work that way with the iPhone. I would have had to extract them before Lisa made the transfer. 


Standing in the middle of the Verizon store at 1:30pm on a Sunday afternoon, with absolutely no warning, I began sobbing. I'm not talking a few tears... I lost it. I had to catch my breath and walk away for a few moments. 


Poor Lisa touched my arm and apologized while I tried to explain to her why I was so upset. 


It didn't matter. My last traces of Syd were wiped away. 


Sadness washed over me.


Grief is funny like that, I guess. Sneaks up on you when you think you've "properly grieved" or "gotten over it."


And yet, in the sorrow, there have been many moments of joy and smiles as I'm reminded of Sydney these past few weeks. Just this weekend, my sweet friend Jess gave me a beautiful sassy green clutch with square, silver handles. Looked like something right out of Syd's closet. And, at church yesterday my friend, Christy was wearing a beautiful gold and teal necklace like Syd used to wear. 


I know she isn't here anymore, but she remains in my thoughts and part of my brief life here. I learned so much from her.


The day will be sweet when we see each other again. We'll slip on our gold ballet flats and sashay our way down heavenly paths, colors blazing all around in shades we ne'er knew existed. 


Sydney Boone Gaylord -- the blue rose, radiant and beautiful
13.April.1976 - 29.August.2011

these are a few of my favorite things...

i feel like i’ve used that title before. hmph. oh’well. not going to check, so unless you do, it won’t matter.

the past two days have absolutely rocked. let me rephrase, the weather has rocked. my world.

i love fall. honestly, as my sweet friend sydney would always say, “i’m obsessed” with fall. florida doesn’t lend to that obsession very well, but the sun shining through the trees, catching hints of yellow, lime and brown on the trees and bushes… that’s the stuff of dreams. i freaking love it.

i also love cozy blankets, seasonal candles (pumpkin, cinnamon spice, pine, evergreen, sugar cookie, whatever…amazing), fireplaces, snow, christmas lights (specifically white) and boots. yes, i love boots. and these sasquatch-sized beauties (my feet) love snuggling into them. i even like sweaters which astounds me because i couldn’t stand putting them on when i was younger. now days i just refuse to buy it if it’s not soft.

i have a texture fetish. completely non-sexual.

simply put, i really really really like soft blankets, soft clothing, carpet, grass, etc., anything that is what i deem, “cozy.”

that’s all i’ve got. if you were expecting me to sing, i’ll leave that up to julie andrews, which is a great way to spend 1 minute and 57 seconds of your friday.

just when i thought my day was over...

I don’t know if it’s spiritual warfare or discouragement but I’m fighting it hard.

After sideswiping my friend’s bumper at Aiguille (Honda Civic) last night I thought my troubles were over...

But no.

After my awesome morning of fainting and shots I thought for sure things were going to settle down.

Nope.

I came home to a very sick Jaime. Pretty sure it's the flu. He’s dead to the world. I have to take him to CentraCare in the morning, praying Tamiflu will work in time.

So then, after being late for small group I’m walking out the door and bump my arm on the doorframe. The arm with the tetanus shot. OUCH.

THEN, driving home from small group I saw a moped driving with no lights. I rolled down my window to yell, “Turn your lights on!” just as I slammed into a Honda (yes, another Honda Civic!) in front of me who was stopped at the ever-so-red light.

The girl was totally gracious and kind (and smelled of mint -why do I keep remembering that?)... We checked out her bumper with my flashlight. She said, “No biggie, I think it’s fine.” After I asked 5 more times, “Are you sure?” we parted ways.

I got in my car and bawled.

I drove home, came into my room and bawled.

I took my last dose of hydrocodone and bawled some more.
I’m so frustrated that I’m still coughing and this sickness threatens to return!

As for satan, he can kiss my pretty little big toes. He doesn’t get the glory.

I’m still practicing eucharisteo...

131. safe body even though bruised cars
132. writers devos
133. eli’s omelet offer (with salsa, my fav)
134. cool morning air
135. spice scented room
136. the privilege of modern medicine – even shots
137. tamiflu
138. honda civic bumpers under $200
139. fellowship with the body of Christ – worth the bump on the arm
140. sydney is doing 100% better and recovering each day

I love writers row — thank you for being there for me, listening to me, praying for me, laughing with me and being my friends.

groundhogs and more glory

big surprise that spring will come early. the rest of the country has snow on the ground and it's a humid 79 here in sunny florida.

and did i mention my youngest student successfully taught himself to read music in two weeks? that's right. he's my mini-mozart.

love watching him learn.

i can't decide if i'm ready for beaches... been thinking too much about colorado lately.

it's gloomy today and i have to finish my article on guyana.

go groundhog go... until next time...

97. joshua's piano skills that never cease to amaze me
98. morning prayers
99. returned phone calls
100. good-morning text from my love

since jaime doesn't read this...

he turns 30 on monday.

been asking since december what "special" way he'd like to celebrate his third decade.

nothing. "birthday's really aren't a big deal to me," he replied.

fine. well, i'm still your girlfriend and feel somewhat obligated and responsible for helping you celebrate your big day.

three weeks ago i approached a few of his closer guy friends at the rock gym. asked them if they could kidnap jaime for a night and take him out for some fun. "of course, we'd love to." great. perfect. all set. i have to babysit friday night, he won't be doing anything, it'll all work out.

super stoked that he will feel cared for, surprised and get to hang out with the guys.

well, jaime and three of his other friends all celebrate birthday's within a week of each other. they decided to throw a party saturday night. jaime invited people, including these guys who were going to be taking him out friday night.

last night at the gym the guys asked me, "are we still taking jaime out if we're all going out saturday night?" i just stared at them, then started crying, like an idiot. "forget it. it doesn't matter." great response, amber.

i'm not angry about the party saturday, it just feels stupid, crowded and uninteresting. i thought it would be way more fun for him to go out with a few close guy friends. so when those guys responded it made me feel like they were going to be inconvenienced if they had to spend two nights of their weekend celebrating jaime.

so what's my problem? why am i annoyed? well, we're not married, so i can't take him away for the weekend... i don't have enough money to buy him a season ticket to a red sox home game, so i settled for spring training... i don't like some of his friends, so i'm annoyed that those exact people planned a party and basically told us to show up...

there's more, but i'll stop there.

it's incredibly difficult to gives thanks when so many areas of my heart and mind are a mess.

God give me strength to stop feeling like i have to control everything that i want to go right.
forgive me for lashing out at You, blaming and complaining.
forgive me for questioning my worth. help me remember how much You value me.
give me kind words for people who don't do things the way i think they should be done.
give me eyes to see where You are in all of this.... work, relationships, decisions, exercise, money, time management.
give me motivation to put effort into the work You've called me to do.
give my tongue and mind strength to praise You for who You've made me to be, even when everything feels so messy.

recovery?

my sweet boyfriend brought to light that i have a card reader built into my macbook pro. i popped it in and was astonished with how quickly it opened iphoto and downloaded my pics.

i happily ejected the card and had jaime show me how to format the memory card because i'd never learned how. i've heard it's good to format the card once in awhile just to keep it refreshed and clear.

before realizing my huge mistake, the card was put away, my laptop was closed and the camera stored safely away in my purse. all seemingly well.

hours later i opened my laptop, excited to look through my 150+ photos from guyana. no dice. iphoto had only downloaded 41 of the photos. my heart skipped a beat and i could feel my stomach churn. i felt like i was going to hurl.

instead, i took a deep breath and broke into tears.

on the way home yesterday i stopped at a camera store. i'd heard about software that could recover photos from formatted memory cards. as the man pulled up the files, i looked and was shocked to see pictures from two and three years ago, with only a few pictures from my guyana trip. everything was mixed and unorganized. the man said my card has bad file paths and there was nothing else he could do to help.

after making a fool of myself and crying in the store, i walked out feeling like a moron, completely disappointed and frustrated.

thoughts ran through my mind: why didn't i check my iphoto before deleting the memory card? why is this recovery software not working? where are my pictures?

today was my last hope. i downloaded recovery software onto my computer to locate the files myself. again, no dice.

i'm saddened by the reality that i can never ever recreate my experience. it's not like i was down the street at disney world. thousands of dollars and time went into that trip. my puny little 150 photos meant more to me than anything i'd brought back besides the story i'm writing.

maybe i'm being ridiculous, but it doesn't change the fact that i'm upset.

Back story: Armenia

I miss traveling. It's been over a year and I'm itching to go. Praying it happens soon.

Until then, enjoy this snippet that took place my last night in Armenia.

if i could be anywhere right now...

it might be in Northern Iceland, running free with wild horses...

you just never know

today sucked

save for a few laughs and a moment to pose with cyclops at islands of adventure, the 14 hours i spent awake felt like a waste.

perhaps i shouldn't blog when i'm upset, angry, frustrated, confused, pessimistic... whatever. ::insert random emotion here:: but i can't sleep. i'm a writer. i often process in written or typed form.

two pieces of pizza around 8pm gave me acid indigestion. awesome.

my mother called today to tell me grandma died. my aunt was helping her into the bathtub this morning and grandma's breathing slowed, then stopped. that was it. she was gone.

last weekend during a whirlwind, unrestful trip to north carolina, my parents unexpectedly decided to drive to pennsylvania to see grandma who had been hospitalized for a few days. we were supposed to have a family birthday celebration, complete with grilled burgers, baked beans, corn on the cob and ice cream cake. no dice. i was bummed but understood the importance of their last-minute trip.

little did we know she would leave us only one week later.

i now have no living grandparents.

munching on my carmel candy apple on the way out of islands of adventure, i never expected to hear such grim news.

my dad lost his mother today.

that breaks my heart.

and to think i was upset to not have a birthday celebration with my family.

another reason today sucked: la nouba didn't happen.

i was under the impression we had tickets to the show. i've been telling co-workers and friends about it all week -- the anticipation building to what felt like a kid on christmas morning. birthday present and end to a week of fun. celebration of my 28th year of life.

i woke up excited. i woke up hopeful. elated.

within minutes of hearing the disappointing news (no la nouba) a cloud of grumpiness and general dissatisfaction grew over my head that lingered all day.

it's not about me. it's not about my happiness. it's not about what i want or think i need. but today was hard. today was really hard. i want it to go away or start over.

i guess what people always say is true: shit happens.

you just never know.

Rainbow

Wednesday 9:35pm

Eli: Hey, Amber, wanna help me vacuum in the morning?

Arrrrghh, I have a meeting at work and we don't have a vacuum right now; didn't you just drop it off at the repair shop?

Eli: Yeah, but I'm going to pick up [Aunt] Maggie's in the morning. She has one of those Rainbow's.

::loud gasp of excitement::

::bare feet skipping across tile floor through the living room and kitchen::

I appear in the doorway with an expression matching that of someone who was just told she won $1,000,000 dollars.

Really?! A REAL, live, actual, RAINBOW vacuum?!

::Eli laughs, cocking her head to the side a bit::

Eli: Um, yes! You should see your face. Should I go get it now?!

Absolutely.

Eli: It's almost 10pm.

So?!

Eli: Okay, I’ll be right back.

For the next two hours, elation plastered my face as I cleaned the entire house... every nook and cranny, carpet, corner, couch cushion, dog bed and floor board.

I even texted my mother, You'll never believe it. I get to vacuum with a Rainbow! Just like the one we had growing up.

My mother replied: "You need help."

Perhaps I do, but it's the little things in life I take great joy in. Things like a vacuum cleaner that I didn't know still existed (because I hadn't bothered to search for it). We used the Rainbow every week of my life and I always felt it outperformed every other machine on the market. When we moved from Florida to North Carolina, it was broken and on it's last leg anyway. My mother disowned it somewhere between one of the 5 homes our family lived in since 1999.

My late-night clean sweep proved the Rainbow (in my opinion) remains the highest performing, low maintenance vacuum cleaner ever invented.

Simply glorious.

Dear Dave...

Me, Jaime and the couple I live with have been going through Dave Ramsey's 13-week course, Financial Peace University. If you want to take control of your finances, I highly recommend it.

I feel money is a huge topic of conversation right now and have been able to encourage friends and family because of Dave's principles and famous "7 Steps to Financial Freedom." It's no gimmick. He doesn't want anything from you. He's not trying to make money off you. He's a guy that lost everything and is now using his knowledge to help other people take charge of their money.

If you're curious - - check out the Web site, read one of his books or you can call me/e-mail me and I'd be glad to tell you more about it. I'm on my way to being debt free... forever!

w00t

100k

Right before my little Saturn Vue rolled over to...

100,000 miles!! And, my gas light went on at almost the exact same moment.

Awesomeness.

Amanda and Sarah witnessed me pulling off the road, jumping out and doing the "happy-dance-run" around my vehicle.

Did I mention it was 40 degrees and I was wearing flip-flops?

Yay Florida.

conversation...

The enticements of the virtual world and a cornucopia of personal-entertainment diversions have pushed discourse to the side.

Aided by the Internet, more and more people are joining what Miller calls ''anger communities,'' like-minded individuals who empower each other's pique and reinforce shared prejudices.

Meanwhile, in a polarized time, an inability to entertain opposing views civilly has made certain topics - politics, for example - treacherous terrain, and thus ground best avoided.

All this strikes me as true, but I would also underline several other ideas.

One would be erosion of a common conversational denominator.

Movies long ago replaced books as favorite topics, but these days it's less and less common for people to have seen the same film.

A second is a general notion that it's fine to be ignorant of the news. Certainly few would say of contemporary Americans what a French visitor to London observed in the 1730s: ''All Englishmen are great newsmongers.'' These days, there's no shame in advertising that one is uninformed about public affairs. Sit next to someone at a social event who announces, ''Oh, I never read the paper,'' or, ''I don't follow current events,'' or even, ''I get all my news from the Daily Show,'' and you're in for a tedious time indeed.

Further, the notion of cultivating conversational abilities, or of making oneself more interesting by reading or learning, is in eclipse in a culture whose therapeutic norms call for celebrating everyone as he or she is. Put another way, the self-esteem movement has rendered the intellectual self-improvement impulse antique.

Finally, if you hold that a person need command more than, say, four adjectives to be an engaging conversationalist, then the poverty of expression that marks our trite TV culture is a pox on memorable talk.

Or to express that idea in everyday terms, hearing today's exchanges, a person who values rich and varied conversation is, like, arrggh.

(read the full article here)

i think my feet are shrinking

most likely a result of sticking them in rock climbing shoes 2-3 times a week. 

all of my high heels have been loose lately and i can fit into a size 10. i wear an 11.

kah-raaa-zeee.

what do i know?

thoughts as i was falling asleep last night...

-why did i post a song that i say i want sung at my wedding, when i don't even know if i'm ever getting married, much less what kind of wedding i would want?

-i don't like status quo.

-i want to do something really crazy and unexpected, like move overseas.

-i absolutely love the movie, elf.

-one of my favorite times during the year is when all 5 members of my family are sleeping under one roof on  christmas eve and we all wake up and eat breakfast together on christmas morning

-back to the marriage thing, (it's not always on my mind, just spawned from my previous post): i would like my honeymoon to be an adventure and involve some sort of humanitarian aid project.

-despite what people may believe, i am dead serious about becoming BASE jump certified. and i will jump an extreme structure, whether it be angel falls or the eiffel tower, before i turn 36.

-where am i going to put all my winter clothes? they, along with boxes and furniture, have to be moved out of todd & syd's attic. sticking them in a storage unit sounds terrible and i have no room here in o-town to store them. i can't sell them because i need them for when i visit colder places. 1 month out of the year i use 5% of my winter wardrobe. lame.

-zzzzzz...

geeeeeeezzz...

long week.

friday night and i'm home with the roomie by 8:35pm. we ate some tijuana flats with cool friends and called it a night. best idea all week... besides those chocolate banana goodness shakes that a named, "magic bullet" delivers via the sarah. dang skippy.

decided to make my famous and oh-so-delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. someday, maybe my husband will appreciate my baking skills. for now, i take great delight observing them in wobbly piles, stacked 4 rows 6 high in a tupperware container. mmmm.... mmmm... goodness.

finished up part 1 of writers' training today. trudged through stories with my editor - - admitted to being lazy and not putting 100% effort behind writing one of them because it was meant to be an "exercise." my brothers would call me a nube.

missing blue ridge foliage and lower temps. what i wouldn't give to be in asheville this weekend...

went to the chiropractor today. talk about a weird experience. my prescription: stop cracking my neck. right. i'll get right on that. stopping a habit that i've had for more than 18 years is no easy task. but man, am i conscious about it now...

the Lord is teaching me many things lately. i've been silent for over a week because i don't know how to verbalize it all just yet, but soon enough.

happy birthday, mom! 51 years and still sharp as a tack, active as a mongoose and beautiful as ever. hope your day was relaxing and enjoyable.

in a day at lake hart...

somehow i've managed to avoid attack by a flock of sand hill cranes (aka: pterodactyls), speak with a mockingbird, narrowly escape a black racer and interact with an overly friendly bush mouse- all in a 4 hour time frame. ahh... eco-paradise.

walking between buildings here, one is bound to see an endless array of colors, admire the enormous potted plants that block the sidewalk, smell the freshly mowed "low impact" lawn, feel spray from the out-of-control fountain that uses non-potable reclaimed water, pass stevie d. or vonette and might even be sideswiped by a golf cart driven by an ambitious security guard or maintenance personnel.

did i mention fishing in any of the property lakes? how about the alligators?

man i love this place.

ze veek...

Tuesday was significant. I was assigned my Area of Affairs (Western Europe & Francophone Africa) and ministries (Campus, Nations, Epic, Destino, WSN, Catalytic, Lifelines and Bridges) to cover for my Beats. Yeah, I didn't know what a Beat was either until Tuesday. 

Basically, I'll be responsible for covering any new information coming out of these countries/ministries and gathering stories to submit as possible material for the magazine or web sites. I'm also expected to know what's going on in any of the 48+ countries in my AOA in regards to politics, leadership, reorganization, outreaches, new ministries, changed lives, etc., Woot.

I'm excited because I love Campus Ministry and love doing research. I also love that God is allowing me to be here and use my skills in writing to further His Kingdom! How stinking cool, right? :)

I drove home on  Tuesday in the best mood I've been in since arriving back in Orlando. Talking to good friends this week on the phone has also been a highlight.

Today is not significant except for the fact that I'm alive, I have a chocolate bar on my desk and it's the last working day of my week. (Note: Do not have blood work done on Friday morning and do not plan meetings before 10am... ever. What was I thinking?)

Ok, so I'm a little overwhelmed about not having my stories finished yet. They aren't due until Wednesday- but they don't exist yet! Yeah. There's that.

And, can I also say that for some stupid reason today I just wish I had a boyfriend. I know, right? Smack out of the freaking blue. It's been almost a year of singleness and I've had fun but wouldn't mind having someone tell me I'm pretty or they miss me or think about me or want to take me on a date or hold my hand or surprise me with a fun note at my desk or on my car... blah blah blah... perhaps I'm lonely.

Oh'well. Maybe the beach will help. :)

Back to the grind. Happy Friday!

spinning

my mind is racing. i feel like even if i typed everything out it would not stop the whirring i feel in my head tonight. 

can't sleep.

trying to be productive at 1:30am is not wise.

hitch to install... u-haul trailer to reserve... packing to be done... friends that won't call back... jammed packed schedule for the next 4 days... many many thoughts and feelings surfacing. grrrr!

i'm supposed to be excited about moving back to florida? really? wish i felt that way.

orlando is not attractive to me today. nor was it yesterday. maybe it will be once i arrive. maybe i need to leave this mpd season in nc behind and remember that God has not left me. he is not playing some cruel game with my heart.

things i long for will not magically disappear. i must push them aside. they will live in the backseat of my mind until dust is dispelled and sun flickers hope upon them once more.

this world has nothing for me and this world has everything. all that i could want and nothing that i need. ~caedmon's call