he turns 30 on monday.
been asking since december what "special" way he'd like to celebrate his third decade.
nothing. "birthday's really aren't a big deal to me," he replied.
fine. well, i'm still your girlfriend and feel somewhat obligated and responsible for helping you celebrate your big day.
three weeks ago i approached a few of his closer guy friends at the rock gym. asked them if they could kidnap jaime for a night and take him out for some fun. "of course, we'd love to." great. perfect. all set. i have to babysit friday night, he won't be doing anything, it'll all work out.
super stoked that he will feel cared for, surprised and get to hang out with the guys.
well, jaime and three of his other friends all celebrate birthday's within a week of each other. they decided to throw a party saturday night. jaime invited people, including these guys who were going to be taking him out friday night.
last night at the gym the guys asked me, "are we still taking jaime out if we're all going out saturday night?" i just stared at them, then started crying, like an idiot. "forget it. it doesn't matter." great response, amber.
i'm not angry about the party saturday, it just feels stupid, crowded and uninteresting. i thought it would be way more fun for him to go out with a few close guy friends. so when those guys responded it made me feel like they were going to be inconvenienced if they had to spend two nights of their weekend celebrating jaime.
so what's my problem? why am i annoyed? well, we're not married, so i can't take him away for the weekend... i don't have enough money to buy him a season ticket to a red sox home game, so i settled for spring training... i don't like some of his friends, so i'm annoyed that those exact people planned a party and basically told us to show up...
there's more, but i'll stop there.
it's incredibly difficult to gives thanks when so many areas of my heart and mind are a mess.
God give me strength to stop feeling like i have to control everything that i want to go right.
forgive me for lashing out at You, blaming and complaining.
forgive me for questioning my worth. help me remember how much You value me.
give me kind words for people who don't do things the way i think they should be done.
give me eyes to see where You are in all of this.... work, relationships, decisions, exercise, money, time management.
give me motivation to put effort into the work You've called me to do.
give my tongue and mind strength to praise You for who You've made me to be, even when everything feels so messy.
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