still grieving...

i read a friend's blog post tonight about her friend who's been battling cancer for 10 years. 


responding to her post, i wrote, crying as i read this because that's still all i can do when i think about sydney. i can't even write about her yet. i have an entire blank section in my journal from the day/week she died. i keep telling myself i'll go back and fill it in... but i can't. i won't. and, so the tears come and i try to burn her laugh, her smile, her accent, her walk, her hugs, her hilarious voice mails... burn them into my memory.


and it's true. i wonder when the day will come that i'll be able to let loose... i suppose i fear letting go of the memory of her. i'm afraid if i write about her, it becomes permanent. more real. makes me want to write less. 


i'm asking the Lord to ready my heart for the day i can sit down and write my sydney entry. just as she would slip on a beautiful, colorful necklace, i realize i need to embrace this new season of life without her. she would want me to. she would give me an awesome, funky, beautiful necklace to wear with her and be obsessed with... then she'd tell me to, "get going, amber rosalina."


i miss her more than words can say.