Tears have been coming, ever since my parents drove off last Sunday.
But here's what I'm learning: the feelings of loneliness, left-behindness, sadness, uncertainty and frustration are ok. Life doesn't stink but this summer it has sure been hard.
A friend was helping me process tonight and reminded me that it's not "all good or all bad" it's a mixture. One that I am struggling with. Why? Well, if I had an emotional/character resume, it would look something like this:
-loves deeply
-loyal
-builds solid friendships
-has too many goals (things I want to accomplish)
-empathetic
-circumstantial
-perfectionist
-realist (pessimist in denial)
-overachiever
-passionate
-doesn't deal well with change
The past 3 years I've moved. A lot. I also lived out of a suitcase for 11 months out of those 3 years. No joke.
Friends move away, I move away, friends come back, I move away...
I want to start a business. Heck, I want to start 3. But I feel stuck.
Now that I'm 26 I feel like I'm finally starting to wrap my mind around what it means to grow up.
Many of my friends are married. Many are not. Some of my married friends are having children. Some are not.
Here I stand while this people-mover of a life seems to pass me by at an annoying pace.
But is it really passing me? Or have I stopped walking?
Reality is, no one can stop. We are each moving forward but at different paces.
So I didn't feel like swing dancing last night (I know, can you even believe it?). I wasn't in the mood. It didn't feel right. I would have probably gotten sad and ended up leaving early. So I didn't go. I went and watched a DVD with a small group of friends instead.
I got to sail on a lake with 2 friends on a beautiful sunny afternoon yesterday. I was thankful to be alive, experiencing that moment with those people.
And tonight, as I sat and felt hot tears breaking over my eyelids with 10 other people in the room around me (but not focused on me- whew, thank goodness...), it finally felt like it was ok to say I'm grieving.
I'm not a little girl anymore. My friends aren't all going to stay 24 and 30 years old. They aren't going to stop living life. They aren't going to stop having children. They might move away. They might get married. They might have a baby. But this is life. This is where God has me. This is where I've been told to be for this time.
May He give me the strength to never stop living and keep moving forward, even when I feel like I'm being passed. I don't ever want to lose that edge. I don't ever want to lose the will to put one foot in front of the other, suck it up and say, "ok, God... now what?" Just like everyone else, I want my life to count for something. Who knows where He'll take me or what it will look like. But I'm so glad I get to serve my Savior while living in this wreck and beauty of a world.
2 comments:
It's one of those times that's hardest - and I can't say I know exactly because you're a few years farther down the road than me, but some of it, I have felt - and grief it is. But you said it - we have to keep moving forward. Because the beauty of God is that His adventure, however baffling, however painful, however frustrating, or however joyful, is worth it. At one of my lowest points in the last couple of years, Shannon encouraged me to "embrace the sorrow," to let the waves I was trying so hard to resist actually overwhelm me because it was there, beneath the water, in the letting go, that I would find God. And I think, somehow, I did. I pray the same for you, my dear friend, that you would ever grow in courage to let go and that you would find Him there. Knowing there are times when you must grieve alone, know also that there are people you can always call....Much love, K
yeah dude. miss you.
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