really?!

i don't want to write today.

i'm sad. i'm angry. i'm hungry. i'm broke. i'm frustrated. i'm sad.

i'm behind on work. i don't feel well. i haven't worked out in weeks.

i want a dog but i don't want a dog. 

i want a gun but i don't want a gun.

i'm mad at the police but i'm thankful for the police.

i want to run my car into the punk kids who robbed our home. i know who they are. i see them. i thought i even saw my bike last night while i was driving. it boils my blood when i think about it. so i try not to think about it.

i don't like looking at my empty dresser. i miss my necklaces. i miss my perfumes (both gifts from my brothers).

i hate 80 degree january. really? it's JANUARY. WINTER. whhhhhhyyyyyy am i sweating? i have my a/c on. for the love.

and somewhere, in all of this and more, the past week has not only been a fog, but a constant reminder that this life is not my own. i've had to, with my husband, cry on friends' shoulders (and his shoulder) and make a daily decision to trust God. no matter what. and trust that He is good. and that He loves me. 

and that He loves those kids who broke into our house.

and i forgive them. i really do. because i know that what's inside them, motivating and deceiving them is the unseen evil force from a dark place and a dark being who wants us all dead. and i will fight. i will not move. i'm not afraid.

but it doesn't make it any less difficult.