Insecurity

I’m going out on a limb here. Mostly because this sounds like a confession but also because for once, I’m not posting something funny or “linked” to a sociological issue (which, apparently, I’m passionate about and never realized until I began getting fired up about things). Sorry, I digress.

In Beth Moore’s newest book, So Long, Insecurity, she says, “We’re not jealous of people in whom we see nothing admirable. In fact, it is the fear that they have something we don’t that makes us most insecure.”

I find most of my “down-on-myself” times come when I’m comparing my abilities or looks to an attribute or outward appearance in someone else and thinking, Gee, I wish I was that (insert attribute here).

The bigger issue is with pride and my egos wreaking havoc on myself and those around me.

Harboring pride in my heart keeps me from healing. It keeps me from hearing the Lord’s gentle, true, voice telling me what I really am instead of what I tell myself I’m not (the “tapes” we play, if you will).

We were created to desire significance, but it can only be found in the One who created us. He never takes His eyes off us.

Once I begin to see my purpose for being here is because of Him, I no longer feel the nagging urgency to be noticed or important in someone else’s eyes.

Pride cheats me of intimacy because intimacy requires transparency. Thank heaven it’s not difficult to spot…

Just last night I got all upset with my sweet boyfriend, Jaime. All he did was show up 20 minutes late because he never got a text message I sent him 40 minutes prior (Verizon and AT&T are not friends). Not only was I upset with him for being late, I had been on a self-destruct path of comparing myself with other women, feeling sorry for myself, struggling with jealousy over friends who are traveling to beautiful places with their families and just being a mopey mess (i.e., “fearing all those people have something I don’t”).

I almost let pride cheat me of transparency. It took everything in me to open up and tell Jaime all that was frustrating me. Normally, I try to jam it up inside and tell myself I’ll deal with it later.

My confidence needs to lie in the certainty that God has given me my identity and nothing can take that away.

It goes hand-in-hand with Bill Bright’s Spiritual Breathing - - I need to submit myself daily to God and have confidence that He is all I need instead of constantly struggling with my own pride and becoming more insecure by the minute. Dying to self.

weekend thoughts...

I was able to process with a friend on Saturday. Not only did I feel like a loser for having no plans on a weekend, but not being invited to a social event with supposed "friends" was not very encouraging either.

God used it to not only humble me, but to expose a deeper need within that has been suffocated by pride and arrogance.

Last year, through a series of events in my personal and professional life, I learned that I have felt needs and stress areas. I know you're thinking, well, duh. What it means for me, is when I don't feel certain needs being met in my life (emotional or situational) I shut down. Now, there are a number of ways I can respond but the most common is the flee method. I want to run away and make everything stop. Withdraw and hide. Duck and cover. Call it what you will. Knowing this about myself is incredibly advantageous. Emotionally and mentally.

I was shocked at first, because it completely defies my normal behavior. That's a sure sign that something is wrong. I started noticing it and stopping myself has been self therapy. And maybe self control. 

While I was venting and processing with this friend, they said, "It feels like what you're saying is you expect more from these people. You've laid expectations upon them and they are letting you down, so you're disappointed." 

Nailed it.

I don't think anyone in particular has "let me down" but I have fashioned invisible scales that weigh against people. Over the weekend I've come to own it as a form of pride. It's a way of me saying, I question your motives, behavior and friendship because you are treating me differently. I expect you to act a certain way (usually based on current, more solid and close relationships/friendships). I feel insecure and so I'm going to shut down and become passive. 

Where did I learn this? So unhealthy.

But, alas! I am learning to overcome and defeat the negative train wreck before it starts. 

The need within me is acceptance. To be loved and sought after, even in something as simple as social events. My longings are for validation. Worth. To be pursued. I cannot satisfy these desires with people. I cannot find validation in man or woman. My God is the only One who has that power:

"You are no longer a slave, but a daughter; and since you are a daughter, God has made you also an heir." -Galatians 4:7

"For I am the Lord your God... I have called you by name, you are mine!" -Isaiah 43

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body..." -Psalm 139:14-16a

Thank God for friends who are not afraid to call you out on your own sin with truth and grace.