God used it to not only humble me, but to expose a deeper need within that has been suffocated by pride and arrogance.
Last year, through a series of events in my personal and professional life, I learned that I have felt needs and stress areas. I know you're thinking, well, duh. What it means for me, is when I don't feel certain needs being met in my life (emotional or situational) I shut down. Now, there are a number of ways I can respond but the most common is the flee method. I want to run away and make everything stop. Withdraw and hide. Duck and cover. Call it what you will. Knowing this about myself is incredibly advantageous. Emotionally and mentally.
I was shocked at first, because it completely defies my normal behavior. That's a sure sign that something is wrong. I started noticing it and stopping myself has been self therapy. And maybe self control.
While I was venting and processing with this friend, they said, "It feels like what you're saying is you expect more from these people. You've laid expectations upon them and they are letting you down, so you're disappointed."
Nailed it.
I don't think anyone in particular has "let me down" but I have fashioned invisible scales that weigh against people. Over the weekend I've come to own it as a form of pride. It's a way of me saying, I question your motives, behavior and friendship because you are treating me differently. I expect you to act a certain way (usually based on current, more solid and close relationships/friendships). I feel insecure and so I'm going to shut down and become passive.
Where did I learn this? So unhealthy.
But, alas! I am learning to overcome and defeat the negative train wreck before it starts.
The need within me is acceptance. To be loved and sought after, even in something as simple as social events. My longings are for validation. Worth. To be pursued. I cannot satisfy these desires with people. I cannot find validation in man or woman. My God is the only One who has that power:
"You are no longer a slave, but a daughter; and since you are a daughter, God has made you also an heir." -Galatians 4:7
"For I am the Lord your God... I have called you by name, you are mine!" -Isaiah 43
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body..." -Psalm 139:14-16a
Thank God for friends who are not afraid to call you out on your own sin with truth and grace.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing. I think, on some level, we all struggle with this. I tend to make a conscious decision to approach life with no expectations on people or events, but i'm discovering that's just as unhealthy.
But you know what? Christ didn't come for the healthy. He came for the sick! So it's in our brokenness, in our realization of our need for Him that He makes us whole.
I love your ramblings and such :) Keep it up!
Hi Amber, I'm the admin for the NUS MedSci Region Crusade blog. You left a comment. Sorry for the late reply. I have informed the campus ministry staff about it and I believe they'll contact you soon (or have contacted you already). Thanks for visiting our blog. God bless! =)
In His service,
Fabian
http://medscicrusade.blogspot.com/
Ahhh.. refreshing... since I've been feeling this way for the last couple of weeks myself. It's never fun being confronted with your own weaknesses and humanity is it? Blah. But identifying the weaknesses instead of hiding behind them demonstrates maturity. *hugs* :)
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